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Thursday, March 24, 2016

Seen My 2nd STALKER on the 1st day at a new job.

I had my first day at JCPennys as a cashier. It was long day of training. During this time I run in a my ex creepy stalker neighbor (call him DM)who watched me for two years bc of my 1st stalker my ex live in boyfriend (call me M). After I prove my ex bf was stalking me for six months and detailing on online. I took legal action. Just before M was kicking out my apt by me that is when DM moved into the apt on top across the yard.
DM was creepy from the beginning. Since DM was the only guy living in my apt area M and DM become friends. When M was kick out and after he was caught stalking this is when I believe that M ask DM to keep eye on me and recorded that details. This went on for two yrs until I moved out.
A couple years later I try to move in same apt building. The person that was living in old apt was legal problems was about to kick out. I signed a lease for sex months. My old landlord tells me to stay away DM BC of certain thing. She had discovered that DM has keep detail records on for me for 2yrs and the girls living there at the time. I believe he did this to cover that he was doing for M.
I was anger that my old landlord tells me this after I signed the lease. She wasn’t concerned about my safety after everything that happen with M. luckily the person living in the apt with legal problems was able to pay the rent he owed. He was a legal right to stay in the apt. Since they didn’t have any apt to rent to me my lease was void.
These happen 10 years ago. But it has shaken me to the core. I consider D my 2nd stalker bc my 1st stalker M ask him to do it. I believe that M told DM that I was out to hurt him and maybe even kill him. This is y DM keep an eye on me. I had no legal prove of this.
I don’t experience my 3rd and 4th stalker until I start working the hotel.
Stalking is a really bad experience especially with more one person over many years. I have feared for my life once than once. During this time is when my drinking and eating disorders were at its worst. I felt it the only thing I had control over since my sense of safety was gone.

With God help and some gal friends help through me this. The last few yrs have been good. I do look over my shoulders and I’m very aware of my surrounding. 

Wednesday, January 20, 2016


This past month has been hard for me. Three close friends that I have known for over 10 years. When they needed me I have been there without question. But I needed them they have led me down again. I love them like family. After them giving many changes to chance but they didn’t. Ending long term friendship is like ending a long term relationship. It can be long emotional and physical draining.
During this time I have finiad problems so I’m trying to find a second job. I had a local coffee I love to go too. I work there two months but I had to leave. Now I’m looking for second job which hard without people out of work.
I decided to have long distance Christian relationship with someone I fall in with. I was happy until prank by a family ended with us. It’s a lot he said she said and no one taking responsibly. This person is not soul mate. My heart broken and it will time heal.
One person I thought was closed friend I told them about what going in my life. They could have care less.  This person doesn’t know how I feel. If I tried to talk they don’t want to hear. I will ending this friendship soon when it time is right I will have to take it slow and then pull ghost act. I seriously doubt this person care or even notice bc I just joke to them.
I have self discovery this past month. By taking a good look at myself I saw things I didn’t like what I saw.  I have keeping friendship that has been one side. It has been a roller coaster of emotions inside me.

With God help I have seen what life can be like without certain people I can see peace. I really for a new chapter in my life which is about me. 

Sunday, September 27, 2015


Two days ago was my 38th bday where has the yrs gone. 20 yrs ago I was 18yr old junior high school with a different outlook on how my life would like look now. I realized talking to my two closed friend who have known for yrs. That are many things in my past that I haven’t got over it. It has effect me by darkening my soul. With God help and Love I realize I can’t change the past, can’t let it affect my future happiness and peace, accept it, deal it, and get over it.
Only two of best friends who I consider FAMILY knew this about me. CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR SOUL. IDK care who knows it. THE DEVIL CAN’T HAVE POWER OVER ME AND CONTROL ME WITH IT.
1)   From high school to my early 30s. I suffered from really bad eating disorder called Bulimia. It would on when things got really got bad.  The pressure from college, three bad relationships, car accidents (the one that nearly killed me), three bad stalking problems, my 1st haunting experience, and pregnancy scare cause me some really BAD pain.
2)     From high school and until recently, I have a drinking problem. I would able stop period of time when my life was calm and peaceful. I know it’s no excuse. It got bad when relationship ended and turned into my 1st experience stalking experience. I still don’t know I manage to graduate from ULL the 1st in December 2004.
3)     When the relationship with Josh ended in April 2001 I suffered an emotional breakdown. I really don’t how I passed that semester at UL and even summer school. I shutdown completely.  It was my 1st car accident that nearly killed me in July 2001 that snapped me out it. I realize I was still alive but not living my life at the time. I was in GREAT PAIN physically but my heart and mind had shut off emotional pain.
4)     When I was younger I tried to commit suicide. When I got older I had suicidal thought when my two relationships turned badly and one turned into stalking problems.
5)     I am afraid to touch any man including the men I loved with in sexually physical in any way unless I have been drinking a lot. I told them it was of my weight problem and I didn’t like way my body was. It’s not true. When I was a teenage a close friend was rape badly. I believe they blame themselves. I was there with them though the whole thing and help them. It’s had a bad effect on me and every relationship I had on a sexual level.
6)     In the three relationships with the guys I was in love them. I wouldn’t let them touch me not even for a hug for months. One told if he tried to touch, shake, or even hug me I would jump out of skin like I was scared he would hurt me. He realized I didn’t it without knowing it. I would let close guy friends hug me without jumping. It was only if I was in relationship them. When I was teenager a close friend was in abusive relationship that lasted for yrs. I’d witnessed the hitting and fighting.  I tried to help them to get out for a long time with no results. They did love each other. This affected for years to come.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Dream Vision Quest of Past Loves to My Soul Mate

lately I have question if I really have soul mate that God has chosen for me. I have to pray to God to keep safe until we are to meet. I still had baggage from my past relationships from guys I have truly love or meant something to me.
Tonight I had a Dream vision quest where I travel back in time to relook at past loves and guys that meant something to me somehow. I didn’t realize that I had things that happen that I really didn’t get over.
In this dream quest I walk through the past seeing this guys in the distance where we first meet. I was narrating to myself through this whole progress like in the third person. I would be standing in the distance watching it unfold.
I was reliving things that I had forgotten by my subconscious didn’t.  Things that I happen with these past love the affected me more than I’d realized. Once these painful truths can to light, I accepted them.
Once I did, I got over them. I felt this true peace come over that I haven’t felt in a long time. I also told a guy that is all wrong for me that I had feeling for him. In this dream quest that feeling I have for a certain guy is just a crush and I need to kick him out of life for good.
 I was surprised that two certain guys weren’t in my dreams but they didn’t a mean a thing to me. The guy I lost my virginity at very long age which I regret. The guy that drove me crazy and turned into my stalker for months for also 10 years ago, I realized I’d never love these guys. They were really big mistake in my life that I have got over completely already.
Every guy I truly loved wasn’t the LOVE of my life. They had a trait that I really like that my soul male has.  This dream quest helps me get over past hurts. It showed me what I have to look forward to when God finally lets me meet my soul mate.
I know it be I love that I never experience before and it’s worth waiting for. The love I have God and his son Jesus Christ is great itself. Until then I will live my life with God Help. I focus on school, writing my books, getting healthy but losing weight, getting a new job, and living my life.
For the 1st time in a long time I have found peace in my heart and mind. Happiness is real and now I know it is. My life is in God hands. My journey has just began and I cant for it. 
It also help to release all the pain i had in my life. The anger i had that made me A BITCH is not there anymore. I had anger within me so great that I would threaten to kill someone i would mean it. 
I find the inner peace u get when completely give your life to GOD. I cant say Im not anymore bc it a trait i got from my mom. I believe i have completely change. My closest friends may disagree with me. I may have them wrong. LOL. I love to say Im a new person. I just have to show. They not believe me at first. In time they will c it. :)

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


In the last few months I have change jobs. At my old job one of the managers had told me I was faking being stupid. I have been in the pizza industry for over three years and you have been in three months. I’m not sorry that I know more than you and can’t be manager because of my right wrist. The woman that trained me was a good boss and trained me well. Of course he didn’t like that. Before I didn’t I did anything that would put me in jail and walk away without notice. Thanks to a guy friend help me get another job which he ends up leaving months later. 
Best part Karma is a BITCH. This manager that told I was faking being stupid ending up for the same woman that he said didn’t train me well. I know she had heard that reason I left. He works another now. 
My right is totally messed up from slapping out pizza down and carrying heavy pizza down the wrong way. I have stage three carpal tunnel syndromes. Its require operation which I don’t have the money right now. I have to wear a hand brace when I work.
Then my left angle Plantar Fasciitis which I can’t ever get it. to stand for hours at work i have special made 
Shoes with in shoe inserts that that help ease the pain along with two braces. 
Now I also have to wear a brace on my right ankle to help not to put too much
Pressure on it. I have to take many over counter pain meds just to deal with the pain
Of my weight doesn’t help anyway. I will stop drinking soda, eating healthy, and going to the gym.

Everything was ok at this job. Until recently allot has happen. The guy I love very much but can’t be with left to go somewhere. I keep messing up at work a lot that I thought I was going to lose my job to the new boss because of stupid thing I was doing and l knew better. I’m getting better by watching what I’m doing. 
Then there a someone claimed harassment that cause lot problems which I was middle of it. I ask to switch locations and was denied. This made me really angry and this person become died to me. A ghost that haunted the workplace. When I didn’t talk to this person they would get mad.
Then something else happen. Someone at work approach me about having sex with them. I was tempted to take them up on it. I went through this before. I will not again. After all the problems with similar situation as before. I choose not to say anything BC I don’t want to get this person in trouble. It my personal choice. I’m looking for new job. With all the bull shit I’m at point I don’t care anymore and IM DONE.

I also end a relationship that i had high hopes for. It didnt work work out the way i wanted. 

I also have been questioning some long term friendships that I believe that I have turned toxic. I thought they were my bffs for life. Because of certain things that in my life they have shown their certain colors. 
One guy friend who view on the world as completely insane. He needs to help and get a life. Sometimes I don’t tell him certain things by I don’t won’t hear his bullshit. 
One friend who need get life of their own. I don’t tell them certain things idk y. They need to start living their live first before getting one
Another guy friend hasn’t been there and given advice I thought that I needed to hear. It’s all about him.

I also did alot drinking and even smoking again. I did some things that Im not proud at put me at risk. I even i scared of my life. Everything is good. This made me realize how that life is precious. I have a BFF that has been in my shoes. She is now my voice reason and holding my accountable for my actions. I thank god for her every day.

I’m know I’m BITCH SELF CENTERED SPOILED PRINCESS (MY PARENTS FAULT LOL). It’s all about ME. This year has been hard.
I’m thankful for my freedom, health, family, and friends. I recently got close to God again. 
I’m currently getting my masters and PhD. I’m also will be finishing my two books which I hope in print within a year. I will become more involve paranormal too. Maybe even find the soul mate that god had chosen for me. Until then I will focus on me. When I do find him I would like Dugger style courtship. 

I have been doing a lot of praying lately which has been helping. Things are good right now. I really do love my life. :)

Sunday, November 23, 2014

ryan buell is getting married.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm excited to announce that I am getting married this week at long last. I am proud that I am tying the knot here in State College, PA. And I am proud that we are living in an age of marriage equality. Now if only they'd legalize polygamy. And proton packs. 


from ryan buell facebook fan page

upate on ryan buell. one of my fav paranormal guys

Personal Update: As we always knew, my time in Raleigh had come to an end. I wish I could say that it was the best two years of my life, but it also wasn't the worst. Life surprises you in many ways. I never thought I would find myself abandoned by my loved ones at a time when I needed them the most. Everything changed. And I didn't understand why. But something beautiful happened. My life was changed by the most unlikely and unusual circumstances. And had it not been for the circumstances that happened, I would never have met people like Brent Casteel, who without a doubt saved my life. He and I didn't really know each other. But he watched over me, and was always there, every day, making sure I stayed the course. My medical doctors, who were persistent with their treatment and determining the cause of certain problems. Robert Crook, who I can say has been someone I feel I don't deserve in my life. I never thought someone who would enter my life as a fan (actually an anti-fan, lol) would become one of my heroes. He has done so much for me I wouldn't be surprised if a judge officially appointed him as my official father/guardian (sorry, Robert, you're screwed). He kept on us, every day, through the worst and even the good, to remind us to stay the course. And his gut instinct was often right. And dear Carmen, you have cooked for us countless times and hell, even got us socks and rain gear whenever there was a change in weather. I know you hate me saying this, but I have never had so much positive reinforcement and encouragement before until I met you. I don't know why you pushed me every day, nor do I have any idea where you get the energy, but my life was always a little less dark whenever you called or stopped by. Then there's Potter Gracie Daniel and Holly Staples-Faust and Mercedes Mezzasalma and others who have dedicated a large chunk of their lives to keep the dream alive. Some stopped believing in that dream. Many rumors have been said, and I just have no desire to respond to any of them. I have actual stuff to do. But the three ladies I just mentioned have done something I needed in order to heal and begin to travel down the road I must now take. I needed someone, or some people, to carry out the mission and the to uphold the ideals that I started when I was 19. I was not always successful. But it has been an honor and a privilege to sit back while I heal and see them make improvements to a new infrastructure for a bold new PRS. A new PRS which is long overdue. Brent, I've only known you for five months buddy, but it feels like we've known each other forever. You carried me in when I was barely hanging on and I have never known such kindness to come from a stranger. I don't know what I would have done without you. Sergey Poberezhny, we've had the best of times and the worst of times. But dammit, you're starting to pull it off and we are proud of you for the work you are doing. For those of us who are paying attention, we see the change and how hard you are balancing so much. I wish I could do more, but you are learning to become a great leader. I hope you keep at it, because you are always meant to be a part of this adventure. Finally, to my friends, I have not been in immediate contact due to personal reasons. But I would like to reconnect. I am finally in a position where I am able to do so. But slowly. To my siblings Jordan Lundberg, Roman Nickolas Lundberg, Brindis Nicole Lundberg, I love you, and I do not want to put you in a position where you are in the middle whatsoever. But I think of you always. And I hope to arrange where perhaps I can see just you all for a day before Christmas so we can have some time together. It's too early to discuss the details of my personal situation, but for now, rest and healing is recommended. It's also giving me time to work on my books (speaking of, my first comic book comes out next week). I cannot guarantee that things will be the same. There are a few matters that have also changed my life. One is homophobia experienced within my own family, to the point where my partner's well being was put in jeopardy. I am hoping these members will think strongly on how their actions could have killed or harmed my partner, and I think that once the dust is settled and emotions are cleared, they should donate to the Trevor Project every year for the rest of their lives. It is for a good cause, and a small price to pay for what could have been a death sentence for a loved one. Misconceptions about personal health. Had I taken the path that was pushed upon me, I would not have discovered the proper treatment that was just uncovered weeks ago. Mistakes happen. I am no saint. Lord knows that. And you all know I don't air dirty laundry on, of all things, Facebook, but this is actually the best way to update you all and my fans. Please understand that any anger or sadness reflected in this post is my own and should not be taken up by anyone. I prefer family matters to remain private, unless I feel it will serve a greater purpose by sharing. There's a lot I would like to say to my family, but now is not the time, other than to say that I love you and I made it this far. No one thought I would. But I did. The journey isn't over. There are still swamps and caverns all along the path, and I am saddened every day to know that I must walk this alone without even the emotional support of those who once called me son. It has been without a doubt one of the hardest blows I have ever experienced. It has made me wonder why I should even get up. I must have done something to deserve cold abandonment. That's what I thought for many many weeks and months. Eventually, I had to just let go of you, so I can move on with my life. You were my strength and my inspiration. That will never change. But in order to heal, I must now move on and not look back. People will disagree with me, to tell me family ties and bonds always heal. Well, sometimes they do, and sadly, sometimes they don't. That's the fact of life. Will it? How can I say for certainty? But for the first time in six months, my dreams and aspirations are starting to come to, and despite the freakin god damn Pennsylvania cold, I feel a warmth inside. My regret is that as I rebuild myself, medically and physically and mentally, those I love the most will not be there for it. Most of them by choice. Why am I writing this? I was at a friends house and he started to tell me his story and I was surprised that he actually blogged about it, sharing some of the most intimate details. Some good, some bad, some not so flattering. But he was honest. I, unfortunately, have this watchful eye always hovering, and if I'm not careful, I could get something reprinted on CNN or TMZ. Am I really that relevant these days? lol. However, as hard as it was to write this, I would like to add this: I have a lot of anger. I want to tear a few people apart. And others for taking advantage of my disappearance to smear me publicly. But it's life. I found a few other things that are more important. Change your perspectives, my friends. In time I will come out and I will share, despite my doctors advising against it, because I believe the journey is more important the end or the start and where my story goes, no one knows, but I believe it's my purpose to share it with you. It's not always flattering when it comes to me. In fact, I'd say it's not at all. But then again, who likes flattery? You know you're doing something ballsy when people bitch about you nonstop. Truth. I have sadness. But I wrote this post as a beginning. And for those who have watched over me. You don't know them yet, but they saved my life over and over again. I don't mean that in a cliche way. They saved me. And they're still fighting to keep things going. We can't pick our family, and sometimes family does some weird shit (and this is coming from a paranormal investigator), but there's also a time when enough is enough and it's time to say our last goodbyes. This weekend, we will be retrieving the remainders of PRS and our belongings from Sumter, SC and Raleigh and our move to State College will be permanent. We actually found the perfect house! I never thought I'd make it this far. I really mean that. So Brent, Robert, Carmen, Gracie, Holly, Mercedes and Sergey, thank you. Your compassion has inspired me to get back on my feet. I'll do my best. And it's for you. And for all the fans who have stayed with yours truly through this difficult time, this is for you too. Love, RYAN

from ryan buell facebook fan page.