TIME TO FIND PEACE.

Two days ago was my 38th bday where has the yrs gone. 20 yrs ago I was 18yr old junior high school with a different outlook on how my life would like look now. I realized talking to my two closed friend who have known for yrs. That are many things in my past that I haven’t got over it. It has effect me by darkening my soul. With God help and Love I realize I can’t change the past, can’t let it affect my future happiness and peace, accept it, deal it, and get over it.

Only two of best friends who I consider FAMILY knew this about me. CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR SOUL. IDK care who knows it. THE DEVIL CAN’T HAVE POWER OVER ME AND CONTROL ME WITH IT.

1)   From high school to my early 30s. I suffered from really bad eating disorder called Bulimia. It would on when things got really got bad.  The pressure from college, three bad relationships, car accidents (the one that nearly killed me), three bad stalking problems, my 1^st haunting experience, and pregnancy scare cause me some really BAD pain.

2)     From high school and until recently, I have a drinking problem. I would able stop period of time when my life was calm and peaceful. I know it’s no excuse. It got bad when relationship ended and turned into my 1^st experience stalking experience. I still don’t know I manage to graduate from ULL the 1^st in December 2004.

3)     When the relationship with Josh ended in April 2001 I suffered an emotional breakdown. I really don’t how I passed that semester at UL and even summer school. I shutdown completely.  It was my 1^st car accident that nearly killed me in July 2001 that snapped me out it. I realize I was still alive but not living my life at the time. I was in GREAT PAIN physically but my heart and mind had shut off emotional pain.

4)     When I was younger I tried to commit suicide. When I got older I had suicidal thought when my two relationships turned badly and one turned into stalking problems.

5)     I am afraid to touch any man including the men I loved with in sexually physical in any way unless I have been drinking a lot. I told them it was of my weight problem and I didn’t like way my body was. It’s not true. When I was a teenage a close friend was rape badly. I believe they blame themselves. I was there with them though the whole thing and help them. It’s had a bad effect on me and every relationship I had on a sexual level.

6)     In the three relationships with the guys I was in love them. I wouldn’t let them touch me not even for a hug for months. One told if he tried to touch, shake, or even hug me I would jump out of skin like I was scared he would hurt me. He realized I didn’t it without knowing it. I would let close guy friends hug me without jumping. It was only if I was in relationship them. When I was teenager a close friend was in abusive relationship that lasted for yrs. I’d witnessed the hitting and fighting.  I tried to help them to get out for a long time with no results. They did love each other. This affected for years to come.