TIME TO FIND PEACE.

Two days ago was my 38th bday where has the yrs gone. 20 yrs ago I was 18yr old junior high school with a different outlook on how my life would like look now. I realized talking to my two closed friend who have known for yrs. That are many things in my past that I haven’t got over it. It has effect me by darkening my soul. With God help and Love I realize I can’t change the past, can’t let it affect my future happiness and peace, accept it, deal it, and get over it.

Only two of best friends who I consider FAMILY knew this about me. CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR SOUL. IDK care who knows it. THE DEVIL CAN’T HAVE POWER OVER ME AND CONTROL ME WITH IT.

1)   From high school to my early 30s. I suffered from really bad eating disorder called Bulimia. It would on when things got really got bad.  The pressure from college, three bad relationships, car accidents (the one that nearly killed me), three bad stalking problems, my 1^st haunting experience, and pregnancy scare cause me some really BAD pain.

2)     From high school and until recently, I have a drinking problem. I would able stop period of time when my life was calm and peaceful. I know it’s no excuse. It got bad when relationship ended and turned into my 1^st experience stalking experience. I still don’t know I manage to graduate from ULL the 1^st in December 2004.

3)     When the relationship with Josh ended in April 2001 I suffered an emotional breakdown. I really don’t how I passed that semester at UL and even summer school. I shutdown completely.  It was my 1^st car accident that nearly killed me in July 2001 that snapped me out it. I realize I was still alive but not living my life at the time. I was in GREAT PAIN physically but my heart and mind had shut off emotional pain.

4)     When I was younger I tried to commit suicide. When I got older I had suicidal thought when my two relationships turned badly and one turned into stalking problems.

5)     I am afraid to touch any man including the men I loved with in sexually physical in any way unless I have been drinking a lot. I told them it was of my weight problem and I didn’t like way my body was. It’s not true. When I was a teenage a close friend was rape badly. I believe they blame themselves. I was there with them though the whole thing and help them. It’s had a bad effect on me and every relationship I had on a sexual level.

6)     In the three relationships with the guys I was in love them. I wouldn’t let them touch me not even for a hug for months. One told if he tried to touch, shake, or even hug me I would jump out of skin like I was scared he would hurt me. He realized I didn’t it without knowing it. I would let close guy friends hug me without jumping. It was only if I was in relationship them. When I was teenager a close friend was in abusive relationship that lasted for yrs. I’d witnessed the hitting and fighting.  I tried to help them to get out for a long time with no results. They did love each other. This affected for years to come.

Dream Vision Quest of Past Loves to My Soul Mate

lately I have question if I really have soul mate that God has chosen for me. I have to pray to God to keep safe until we are to meet. I still had baggage from my past relationships from guys I have truly love or meant something to me.

Tonight I had a Dream vision quest where I travel back in time to relook at past loves and guys that meant something to me somehow. I didn’t realize that I had things that happen that I really didn’t get over.

In this dream quest I walk through the past seeing this guys in the distance where we first meet. I was narrating to myself through this whole progress like in the third person. I would be standing in the distance watching it unfold.

I was reliving things that I had forgotten by my subconscious didn’t.  Things that I happen with these past love the affected me more than I’d realized. Once these painful truths can to light, I accepted them.

Once I did, I got over them. I felt this true peace come over that I haven’t felt in a long time. I also told a guy that is all wrong for me that I had feeling for him. In this dream quest that feeling I have for a certain guy is just a crush and I need to kick him out of life for good.

 I was surprised that two certain guys weren’t in my dreams but they didn’t a mean a thing to me. The guy I lost my virginity at very long age which I regret. The guy that drove me crazy and turned into my stalker for months for also 10 years ago, I realized I’d never love these guys. They were really big mistake in my life that I have got over completely already.

Every guy I truly loved wasn’t the LOVE of my life. They had a trait that I really like that my soul male has.  This dream quest helps me get over past hurts. It showed me what I have to look forward to when God finally lets me meet my soul mate.

I know it be I love that I never experience before and it’s worth waiting for. The love I have God and his son Jesus Christ is great itself. Until then I will live my life with God Help. I focus on school, writing my books, getting healthy but losing weight, getting a new job, and living my life.

For the 1^st time in a long time I have found peace in my heart and mind. Happiness is real and now I know it is. My life is in God hands. My journey has just began and I cant for it. 
It also help to release all the pain i had in my life. The anger i had that made me A BITCH is not there anymore. I had anger within me so great that I would threaten to kill someone i would mean it. 
I find the inner peace u get when completely give your life to GOD. I cant say Im not anymore bc it a trait i got from my mom. I believe i have completely change. My closest friends may disagree with me. I may have them wrong. LOL. I love to say Im a new person. I just have to show. They not believe me at first. In time they will c it. :)

BAD THINGS LED TO GOOD OUTCOMES.

In the last few months I have change jobs. At my old job one of the managers had told me I was faking being stupid. I have been in the pizza industry for over three years and you have been in three months. I’m not sorry that I know more than you and can’t be manager because of my right wrist. The woman that trained me was a good boss and trained me well. Of course he didn’t like that. Before I didn’t I did anything that would put me in jail and walk away without notice. Thanks to a guy friend help me get another job which he ends up leaving months later. 

Best part Karma is a BITCH. This manager that told I was faking being stupid ending up for the same woman that he said didn’t train me well. I know she had heard that reason I left. He works another now. 

My right is totally messed up from slapping out pizza down and carrying heavy pizza down the wrong way. I have stage three carpal tunnel syndromes. Its require operation which I don’t have the money right now. I have to wear a hand brace when I work.

Then my left angle Plantar Fasciitis which I can’t ever get it. to stand for hours at work i have special made 

Shoes with in shoe inserts that that help ease the pain along with two braces. 

Now I also have to wear a brace on my right ankle to help not to put too much

Pressure on it. I have to take many over counter pain meds just to deal with the pain

Of my weight doesn’t help anyway. I will stop drinking soda, eating healthy, and going to the gym.

Everything was ok at this job. Until recently allot has happen. The guy I love very much but can’t be with left to go somewhere. I keep messing up at work a lot that I thought I was going to lose my job to the new boss because of stupid thing I was doing and l knew better. I’m getting better by watching what I’m doing. 

Then there a someone claimed harassment that cause lot problems which I was middle of it. I ask to switch locations and was denied. This made me really angry and this person become died to me. A ghost that haunted the workplace. When I didn’t talk to this person they would get mad.

Then something else happen. Someone at work approach me about having sex with them. I was tempted to take them up on it. I went through this before. I will not again. After all the problems with similar situation as before. I choose not to say anything BC I don’t want to get this person in trouble. It my personal choice. I’m looking for new job. With all the bull shit I’m at point I don’t care anymore and IM DONE.

I also end a relationship that i had high hopes for. It didnt work work out the way i wanted. 

I also have been questioning some long term friendships that I believe that I have turned toxic. I thought they were my bffs for life. Because of certain things that in my life they have shown their certain colors. 

One guy friend who view on the world as completely insane. He needs to help and get a life. Sometimes I don’t tell him certain things by I don’t won’t hear his bullshit. 

One friend who need get life of their own. I don’t tell them certain things idk y. They need to start living their live first before getting one

Another guy friend hasn’t been there and given advice I thought that I needed to hear. It’s all about him.

TIME TO RID OF SOME TOXIC PEOPLE. WON’T BE EASY. TIME TO BEGIN:

I also did alot drinking and even smoking again. I did some things that Im not proud at put me at risk. I even i scared of my life. Everything is good. This made me realize how that life is precious. I have a BFF that has been in my shoes. She is now my voice reason and holding my accountable for my actions. I thank god for her every day.

I’m know I’m BITCH SELF CENTERED SPOILED PRINCESS (MY PARENTS FAULT LOL). It’s all about ME. This year has been hard.

I’m thankful for my freedom, health, family, and friends. I recently got close to God again. 

I’m currently getting my masters and PhD. I’m also will be finishing my two books which I hope in print within a year. I will become more involve paranormal too. Maybe even find the soul mate that god had chosen for me. Until then I will focus on me. When I do find him I would like Dugger style courtship. 

I have been doing a lot of praying lately which has been helping. Things are good right now. I really do love my life. :)