My friends,
I’ve spent the past couple days having to talk to my closest family members and friends, informing them of the news. That I have cancer. And most particularly, a more difficult form of cancer. I apologize that I am not mentioning the exact form, but for any of you who know me, you know I like to keep things close to my chest. I went from “illness” to now being a little more specific.
I’ve known officially for about a month now. I was giving warning of its likelihood for a month prior to that. It started around Christmas, when I was hospitalized and they noticed an… irregularity. It was actually an accident in seeing this, as I was there for something else entirely (and no, NOT for drug addiction, lol. That rumor was started by some disgruntled former employees).
Beforehand, starting sometime in the summer, I started having frequent problems with my kidneys. So for months, we were focusing on the wrong thing. For the first time ever, suddenly events had to be postponed, and we even had to cancel two events. Something we’ve NEVER done in our 10 1/2 year history. Despite treatment, problems continued to worsen.
In January, things became apparent that it was not actually a kidney issue. The kidney was likely being affected by it. If you want the truth, I told no one. No one on my team, not a single member of my family. I thought it was too early. And I didn’t want panic.
PRS was struggling to get back on its feet, but we kept hitting stumbles due to letting go of staff, and taking time to find new staff, scheduling conflicts, personal emergencies from various team members, and then this.
For reasons I won’t go in to, I refused the more specific tests. Mainly because it would be hard to hide from my team. I eventually consented to some additional tests, and… the outlook wasn’t looking good. And by April, my “rational” part of my brain (however small it may be), started to tell me, “hey, it’s time to acknowledge this.”
I had a lot of anger issues. We just announced the Bureau, and there was an unbelievable amount of happiness and excitement. We believe so much in this project, yet we were afraid on whether others would agree. We were worried that, because we no longer had a new TV show, that we would be forgotten. But when we saw the feedback, I won’t lie, I did a little bit of crying. I said to Serg, “they still believe in us. They want to see this happen also.” I hardly slept that night.
The the wave of happiness and euphoria crashed when I had a “come to Jesus moment” from some medical staff, who told me it was time to start making decisions. They asked me, “have you considered seeing a psychologist?” To which my response was, “I work with them, and with all due respect, they’re all crazy” (which I meant in good fun… but they’re still crazy, . I was given a bunch of packets. Packets on procedures. Packets on depression. Some of them I found quite hilarious, but looking back now, I suppose it was a defense mechanism. They wanted some decisions right away. I told them no. I needed time. I wasn’t making any decisions until I had time.
Nothing was more frightening than returning home, and acting like “business as usual.” I was so unbelievably numb. I didn’t even cry. When I flew to Los Angeles, I finally had a day alone in my hotel. And my little bubble of denial crashed down on me. I avoided looking at any information. Any of the packets. And I looked at them all, one by one. My team that day tried to call, but I couldn’t pick up. I later lied and said that, silly me, I forgot my phone. Which I actually do quite often. I didn’t want anyone to know because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I didn’t want anyone to look at me as if I was already given the death sentence. I didn’t want my siblings to know. I was always their model for hope, they would tell me. And that they were proud of me for my accomplishments. Now, I feared, I would be a source of sadness and despair. I didn’t – and don’t – want to know that someone in my family gave up on God, or on pursuing their dreams, because of me. I know that’s only if the worst outcome happens, but it was there, fresh in my mind. And finally the water works poured out. For hours. I think the hotel room below me must have thought that I left a faucet on as they saw water coming down their walls…lol. Finally, sometime in the night, I decided I spent enough time feeling sorry for myself. It was time to make plans.
New legal plans had to be drafted, new staff members needed to be recruited asap, and a more detailed blueprint needed to be made. So much personal work. Just in case I needed to take a month off or however long I decide to give treatment a try.
The good news is that, because of my already weakened kidneys, they believe they caught this early, which is something you actually rarely catch early. It’s also rare for my age. Hurray me. Maybe I’ll get an award or something!
I finally told one person. One of my close friends. Because he is also a leader, and I felt as if he wouldn’t pity me, but rather, tell me what I needed to hear: the honest, raw truth. He convinced me to tell at least one other person – Sergey. But Sergey was also made to promise not to tell anyone. And that was so unfair to him, to carry such a heavy burden. And so when I missed the Philly/Pittsburgh tour, he had to generalize by saying I was sick. But people were still angry. Some thought that perhaps I was missing out because I had a cold. Hey, I would be pissed too. But I sucked it up.
Then The Bureau soft launch had to be pushed back. And we were bracing for impact. The most vocal person to express her frustration was Stacey Philips. It spread throughout the Bureau members, and obviously I got phone calls from staff, essentially saying, “Houston, we have a major problem!”
When I read Stacey’s e-mail, again I won’t lie, cause grown men are allowed to do this, I teared up. I got emotional because a harsh truth smacked me in the face. You all deserved to know. But before I could tell you, I had to tell my family and friends. So, although it was not Stacey’s intention, she is responsible for finally making me do something that I was terrified to do – tell my mother, my teammates and my friends. She was the pushing force to make me do the right thing. Because what I was doing was not right, it was the easy way out. I vowed to tell no one until I was aware of the outcome of life or death. But that would not be fair. And part of that was denial.
The Bureau is supposed to be a journey, to explore the undiscovered country. To explore death. Well my friends, I have become an experimental guinea pig. LOL.
Stacey’s criticisms, as well as others, was a wakeup call. A sense of urgency, not panic. To have the courage to admit our faults instead of trying to hide them. I am not trying to wave my “sob story” in front of anyone as an excuse for pity. That’s the last thing I want. I want to continue to be critiqued and criticized for my mistakes. Because over the past weeks, I’ve learned that I need to accept the possibility of death and not be in denial of the consequences. And in return, I found beauty and a new appreciation for life. I don’t ask for special treatment. I ask to be challenged when needed, and supported when deserved.
I am not going anywhere, until I help create a haven, a community, and opportunity for all of us. We are all so different, and naturally, some of us will not get along. But I will fight to ensure there is space for you and an equal opportunity to pursue what your spirit yearns for. I want our future children to not have to go through the lonely isolation I, and many of you, felt.
I am giving my life to all of you. You all have believed in me and my team for so long. PRS will become non-profit and there will be branches all over the country, and then the world, if you help me make that happen. You will have access and opportunities that one couldn’t possibly have if they pursued it on their own, but together, we will be a force that cannot be reckoned with. I turned down opportunities to continue grad school. Turned down offers to be a major journalist at a top-tiered paper. Refused new TV show offers. Refused to star in a horror movie by a well-known director (yet it was still a HUGE ass honor to be considered). This is what I believe in.
I also ask, however, to put your faith in Eilfie and Sergey, as well as other PRSers, such as Luke and Chris, old and new. They have probably the heaviest burden to bear.
Everything is being revamped. Our new tour dates for the fall. Our new webinars, starting with my creative writing webinar, and so on and so on. If you have lost faith, then there is no excuse for that and we are sorry. Even some of my staff, before they knew the truth, were starting to get closer to the ledge…lol. But we’ve been here before. And it’s always under pressure like this that we succeed.
Some of you have offered to help in some capacity. We’ve decided that yes, now is the time for that. Some of you have offered or inquired about becoming an investor for the company. Yes, we will now consider that, because as we’ve been building this project, which has never been done before in this capacity by ANYONE, we keep running in to enormous new costs that shock the hell out of us. We’ve refused investors from business people because we want to keep this in our hands, but you know what, some of you have our same passion, and if you want to be an investor where you get a piece of involvement and profit, why not? We’ll also offer other fundraisers for the Bureau and other opportunities for people to volunteer. For anyone wishing to volunteer, please wait for our announcement tomorrow. For those interested in investing, please e-mail Luke at
luke@the-prs.org . We also have the Bureau upgrades where you can upgrade from Bronze to Silver or to Gold. Or you can donate any amount which will credit to future membership dues for your second year. Then there’s Legacy where we will name a portion of the Bureau after you or someone you wish to honor (
http://bureauupgrade.eventbrite.com/password is ‘thunderbird’). Why am I mentioning investors and volunteers? Because financing to grow and new members to take on responsibilities to help are key. And it’s time to start showing you what we’ve been doing. You have given so much and even more faith, that we need to reward that faith.
The reason why I called this story “A Brand New Day,” is because it comes from a story line from “Spider-Man.” In a nutshell, Peter Parker (ahem, who is Spider-Man), lost everything. His Aunt May died. Things were destroyed between he and his love, MJ. The storyline was darker than most of Frank Miller’s “Batman” story lines (almost, I said, almost), mainly because Spider-Man always had hope that things would be okay, and the citizens always held out hope for him. But the turmoil was too much, and he shut down. Even went crazy. Started to go to that grey area between good and evil. He struggled. And in the end, despite all that he went through, he fought to stay true. Even though he lost the faith of many in the city, even though he lost loved ones. And because of this, the universe decided to reward him with a brand new day. Everything was erased. Aunt May lived. MJ never left him. It was like a reset button. My, how we all wish for those moments. But just like in the comic, where Peter was not aware that things changed, perhaps we are not aware that we are given a second chance? Perhaps in some weird way, all of this unfolded to give that second chance. A new lease on life, as ironic as that may sound. A new source of motivation and determination to see this through.
I have no doubt in my mind that once the doors to the Bureau open, you will see what we have been working on. And if there’s something you want to see more of or have a complaint, then call us at 814-308-9133. E-mail Luke (again,
luke@the-prs.org). Do NOT be afraid to speak up!
Stacey, whether or not you read this, I want to thank you. You were not the sole reason for me finally opening up, but you were the tipping point. Immediately after reading your post, while everyone else was thinking of different ways to handle the situation, I sat and instantly realized a horrible yet beautiful truth – I had to tell my family, friends, and supporters. It’s amazing how much we change and influence each others’ lives. After my mother beats me for waiting so long to tell her, she’ll be sending you a thank you cake and pictures of my epic beating that you may hang on your fridge.
To the others who have offered critiques and constructive criticism, thank you as well. For those sending me e-mails of encouragement daily, they bring a smile to our faces. The pictures of people dressing up like Bureau members, the artwork, I can’t begin to tell you how overwhelmed with joy that made me. All of this, and we haven’t even shown you the inside of the ship!!!!!!!
Thank you. All of you. You’ve woken me up. All of us. We have even more motivation. We have even more hope. And tomorrow is a Brand New Day.
RYAN
